In the HBO trailer for The Menu, a young actress said, "The restaurant is the epiphany of fine dining." That pretty much epitomizes a good malaphor. Although she meant "epitomize", the word "epiphany" actually makes sense.

In a query letter to a literary agency, a woman offered to submit a memoir about her divorce and her son's terrible motorcycle accident: "The whole year was a heart-retching experience." Perhaps she meant "gut-retching". In any event the agent sent her a wrench to fix her malaphor.

According to the Cape Cod Times, a woman told authorities that she could "bare witness to her boyfriend's whereabouts at the time of the robbery." I bet that woke up the jury!

In an episode of The Sopranos a Russian mistress says, "You are my knight in white statin armor." Can't you just hear that old knight in shining armor performing karaoke to the Moody Blues' "Nights in White Satin"?

A sportswriter for The Providence Journal observed that before a final wild play propelled the Miami Dolphins to a stunning victory over the New England Patriots: "Seven seconds and the Patriots would exercise their Miami demons." Well,  it turned out those demons needed a lot more exercise.

A newscaster, commenting on the media's treatment of Donald Trump since his election to President: "They have gone after him like a ton of bricks." Bricks, taller than speeding trains, faster than tall buildings....

Contributed by Warren Silver: "On Wednesday morning CNN broadcaster, John Avlan, was trying to make the point about certain events coming around again when he said, 'Let's square the circle'. I wonder how he fared in geometry."

A football announcer commenting on a boneheaded foul by a defensive back: "That will really get under a head coach's craw." Not to mention it will stick in his skin.

A play-by-play announcer on Monday Night Football praising Aaron Rogers for an amazing comeback victory: "He pulled another rabbit out of his head." And put it in his hat.

After a competitive round of golf where I spent a lot of time in the woods looking for a lost ball, my opponent, Steve Swanson, observed: "You had dissolved into the hinderland." Hinder as in thwarted, or hinder as in behind? I will spend 40 days wandering in the hinterland.

A political analyst describing the current situation in Washington observed: "You can't see the forest through the trees." True enough, unless you crane your neck.

Author James Patterson asked a waitress in a coffee shop bout a menu item called "grass-fed meatballs." She did not see anything wrong with that. Perhaps we can get those low-income babies to wrangle those grazing meatballs.

A newscaster on a local Cape Cod radio station issued a plea for listeners to donate food and clothing to "low income babies." Those darn babies have been taking menial jobs away from qualified immigrants. It's high time for them to grow up.

The notorious Mahala Bishop muttered on the tennis court when she hit a soft lob that her opponent slammed for a winner, "Oh, it was like giving candy to a baby." From her opponent's point-of-view, it was more like taking candy from a baby.

Bret Baier, host of Special Report on Fox, regarding negotiations between Trump and the Democrats over the impending government shutdown: "It seems as if the President is trying to back them into a wall." A wonderful, if unintentional, pun.

Found in The Cape Cod Times in an editorial opinion piece ranting against the Trump administration:  "The contempt the Republicans have for voters is palatable." Tastes like chicken? The editors' lack of respect for readers is palpable. We laughed so hard, our heart stopped beating. But a nearby doctor palpated it back to life.

A rather brilliant one: "This poem peaks my curiosity." Before you throw a fit of pique, bear in mind that the word "peaks" makes perfect sense in this case.

A victim of an unwanted sexual advance, discussing how his male antagonist lured him to his home: "He was very good about me spilling my heart on my sleeve."

A female tech prodigy to a manager trying to get her to speed up her coding on the television show Blindspot: "Rome wasn't burned in a day."

Fox News Report: "The Internet has been ripe with protest." Make no ripples with rifles.